My Desperate Cry, God Move

I was reminded today of the deep love God has for me...

It's so easy to be so self condemning...I find myself picking at myself all day long and wondering why I am so bad at relationships...I just want to be able to connect with people on a really deep level and know their hearts--but this world...something about it makes it so difficult. You have to constantly know that person and know their heart, you have to keep it up and it's so easy to lose contact and then you feel like a failure for not having perfect relationships with everyone at all times--oh my gosh, it's so exhausting, even just thinking about it through the day...

I just want love to be seen so much in my relationships and shown through my actions and I feel like I fail so often--like my friend and I had a disconnect tonight over a movie because she cried a lot at it's ending and I didn't. It was a movie that showed how this couple poured all their love into this one crazy dog--and then he died. It showed them moving through the steps that accompany the American Dream--get married, get a good job, have 2.5 (in this case 3) kids and buy a big house in the country. I mean, that's great and I appreciate the accurate portrayl of a crazy dog and how difficult marriage can be--it was very well done--I just...

I just...love Haitians the way those people loved the dog. I want to do more in my life than live comfortably and give up some for a dog...

I've been reading/listening to Shane Claiborne and a lot of what he says makes so much sense to me...people are always moving out of the bad neighborhoods (like in this movie, it was part of the American Dream to get a job which earned more and move his family to a safer, more expensive neighborhood). But Shane has chosen to stay and establish good community in these places and form deep relationships and love people to the point where it probably hurts him every day--because people make bad choices (just like unruly dogs) and their choices have even great consequences, because they aren't these seperate pockets of humanity--we all affect each other deeply. Shane is living out the call of Jesus by staying in these neighborhoods and asking questions about why we got here--what is really going on to make people poor, dependent on welfare and selling drugs to stay alive--such good questions...it just resonates so much with me, because of Haiti...........I'm always wondering how I could possibly live so comfortably here when they have such a desperate struggle over there.........I mean, I ate for fun today and I exercise because it feels good and I get to worship and be clean and chat with friends and watch a dumb movie on this huge screen..........

I just can't think about it too much, maybe, because it just doesn't make sense and I don't have answers...I have to love myself right where I am, you know. I can't live with self loathing, it just doesn't help anyone. I pray, so desperately, that all the prayers I am praying aren't just words...let me truly go where you send, please God, don't let anything stop me--I couldn't stand it!!! It's just too much if I don't spend my life serving them--it's too much guilt? maybe...too much responsibility, to be given such a clear vision of what its like to be a Haitian and given such pure, unrelenting love and then to see none of your dreams come true because I stood in the way and my life ends up with me only loving a dog...oh, God, I am broken before You.

I am Yours and You are mine

My whole life is yours

I give it all surrendured to your name

and forever I will pray

Have your way

Have your way

That's the song playing on my iTunes right now, believe it or not...God knows my heart...move precious Savior. Let these not just be words.

Move precious Savior. Let not these be just words.

Move precious Savior. Let these be more than words...

The blessing of Oreos

I am so thankful for good friends!!! They bless me so much!

I've been on a shoe-string budget (as in, I can't afford to buy anything) and I don't mind...because it makes those little blessings that much sweeter. Such as right now, when my friend Cherith said, "I have something for you" and then ran to her room and came back with a whole container of Double-Stuf Oreos...and handed them to me! The whole container, not just two cookies! Do you know what a wealth that is to a girl who can't afford to buy anything? I was pretty floored and I asked her, "Are they all mine?" a couple of times. I just couldn't believe it...

It reminds me of God's grace. He has so much for us, His Holy Spirit meant to fill our lives and Him showing Himself through miraculous signs and words for us and yet...so many of us don't believe it. We can't believe He would bless us, we've made such a mess of things! And yet...it is all for us...oh, it floors me! Does it floor you? Ask God for an outpouring of all that He has for us, accept His gift!

I was watching the IHOP webstream and just dancing and asking God to outpour His Spirit...I was praying for His Spirit to fill Haiti...oh, it was so good. His Presence.

Seek Him, my friend. He is not far from any of us.

Jesus gave me a song the other day...I was quiet enough to hear and He sang right to me...then I worked with my friend Amanda (who plays piano amazingly) and we put it to music...

My grandpa had brain surgery and they found an irregularity in his heart...I'm praying...

My brother Paul wants to go to college at an Ivy League school.

My brother Danny finds out where the Navy is sending him after training tomorrow...

My brother Darien...I need to talk with him, see how he's doing. Same with my sister Sarah.

Give grace to my grandma Lord. Both of them.

We need You...we're longing for You, yearning for your purifying love to fill us. Blaze through us, Lord, let us be pure before You. Thank you for allowing us to worship You. We stand amazed...there's no other great than You. The more we see the more we love You...

Give it all up for Jesus

No wonder God tells us we must give up everything we own in order to serve Him...

I was reading this review of a book about a girl who traveled through China with her friend

(http://mindfultourist.com/2009/04/04/undress-me-in-the-temple-of-heaven-the-mindful-tourist-book-review/) and they put an excerpet in the book which really made me think. It's worth sticking in here: "We thought that by wearing burlap pajamas, contracting intestinal parasites, and opting to ride in third class with “the people,” we were somehow being less Western and more Asian. It never seemed to occur to us that only privileged Westerners travel to developing countries in the first place, then use them as playgrounds and laboratories for our own enrichment. Only privileged Westerners would consider it a badge of honor to forsake modern amenities for a two-dollar-a-night roach-infested guesthouse. Only privileged Westerners sit around drinking beers at prices the natives can’t afford while sentimentalizing the nation’s lower standard of living and adopting it as a lifestyle…we were kidding ourselves in thinking that we were somehow transcending our Western privileges by doing this "

Since high school, I've wanted to be a missionary...but all I see are Western people going into countries, making it comfortable for themselves and then helping a few people. And they are missionaries! Not to bash on all missionaries, because there have been some in the past and there are some now who have given up everything to serve God where He calls them. The thing is, I want to meet these people. I want to be close to them, to see their hardships and the amazing ways in which God gives them the strength to go on. I know I want to be a missionary, it's a desire put into me by God. However, I don't want to go and not know the cost, you know? I guess I'm seeking in my life to hear from those who have been through this process of giving it all away to reach people and...maybe find a model, someone to lead the way. Jesus was that person...He left the glories and comforts of heaven to live among the dirty, broken, and poor of this world. I guess...I'm just wanting to seek Jesus more. That must be what it is. I want to be like Him if I ever live among the poor. Because we really can't love people and relate to them and fill their needs if we don't know exactly what it is like to be one of them. We must live in these places, giving up everything we've ever known, if we are going to be able to minister to them. This is a truth Jesus knew (He learned their culture deeply before He ever began ministry) and I want to take on that mindset and live the way he did, wherever He puts me. It will cost a lot, we must give up everything to go. We must learn a total dependence on God (I mean, can you imagine getting on an airplane with a backpack full of clothes and then just making your way in a foreign country from that point? God might call you to do that. Are you ready?) I know that I am in a time of preparation at this point in my life...but I want to give it all for God.

Does this make sense, the concept of not having anything to lean on when you become that missionary in the foreign culture? You have to get rid of everything in order to be able to truly understand the people you are trying to reach. 'Cause the money gets in the way, the stuff gets in the way...you don't want them to admire your possessions, you want them to hear your message. Oh, power of God! Fill us up so we can give it all away for you! Fill us with Your Spirit, power from on high. We can do anything if you are the strength of our hearts.

Let us count the cost, remember Your cross and go forth singing. You have made us to be Your messengers, move us O Lord. Let us go!

We wait for You and in You our hearts rejoice for our hope is in Your unfailing love.